A Bunch of 'Why's'!!

Yesterday -- Sunday -- after Mass, as my Aunt, my best friend, and I were eating lunch at a restaurant, in our conversation, my Aunt revealed something to me that happened in my childhood. My Aunt is not a blood -related Aunt.  She and my Mom were best friends when my Mom was alive.  In fact, my Aunt new me since I was conceived.

In our conversation, I obviously must have made her think of this particular situation when I was a child because I told her that back in the late 90's (or it might have been in the earlier 2,000's), my now-former neurologist diagnosed me as having mild encephalopathy. After my Aunt asked me what that was, and after I told her, she said that she knew that there was something wrong with me when I was a little girl!! That was definitely a blow to me because I certainly was never expecting to hear from her what she told me about when I was little!! Being that she and my Mom were best friends, she said that she was over at our house a lot. She revealed to me how I used to look and act when I was a child. There was obviously something wrong with me and some of her description I so very vaguely remember. She said that my Mother had often told her about receiving checks.  My Mother was a stay-at-home Mom.  So, these checks were government checks to me because of whatever the condition was that I had. My Aunt said that I "outgrew" this condition.  I never knew anything about receiving checks, and I was too young to know anyway.  But, maybe they stopped because I "outgrew" this condition.

However, maybe I really didn't "outgrow" this condition.  Just because I "outgrew" the physical appearance doesn't mean that the initial condition still doesn't exist. Obviously, the physical appearance was just like a "side effect" of the real thing. Maybe this condition is the reason why I had so many unusual difficulties all throughout my life and maybe this condition, or it's remnants, are the reason why I am the way that I am today. I know that I am quite immature for my age . . . which is actually probably a very good thing!! But, I'm not like everyone else, and never was, which is probably also a very good thing!!

Whatever this medical condition was, maybe it was somehow connected to the reason as to why I have never been able to do sit-ups.  I don't think that my parents knew this, but this was SO HUMILIATING for me all throughout my grade school years -- I don't think they knew of the humiliation. You see, back in grade school, for gym class, my classmates and I occasionally had a time limit to do as many sit-ups as possible and then, at the end, when the gym teacher called our names, we had to tell her, aloud, how many sit-ups we did. I sat there and watched a lot of my classmates do 50, 60, 70, some did 90 or more, sit-ups during the minute or two time limit. And, then there was me who struggled so badly just to try to do one . . . and maybe a couple of times, during all 8 years of grade school, I did do one. But, really, all of the time, I had to say "0". I actually felt more comfortable, and not like such an outcast, when this one girl, who was best friend back then, did only 10 sit-ups.  Maybe she did her best, too.  Or maybe she intentionally did only that small amount so that I wouldn't feel like such an outcast.  I would have been much better off, and spared of humiliation, if I just would've sat out on those sit-ups. And, I would try so hard to do one sit-up, and be unsuccessful at it, that my abdominal muscles hurt for days -- I pulled my muscles just because of that.

Obviously, my gym teacher knew that there was a problem and I think she might have advised my parents as to what to do to try to help me out. And, my Dad said that he and my Mom had me try doing sit-ups at home, but I couldn't do them despite the fact that my Dad showed me how. I remember some of this.  But, why didn't my parents try to find out what the problem was?? Why didn't they put me through physical therapy?? Were they concerned enough to realize that this could be the symptom of an underlying problem?? Didn't they want to know why I was that way?  I do!!  I do now!! My Mom often told me that I would have a hard time having babies because of this.  Well . . . it wasn't my fault . . . it wasn't anyone's fault.  And, of course now we have C-sections anyway and I never plan to have a child.

But, is this connected to the medical condition that I had when I was really young??  Why didn't my Mother tell me about this?? I understand that she probably wanted me to be as normal as possible.  But, I would prefer to have been told about this medical condition because maybe it would answer a lot of my unanswered questions.  Was this medical condition the reason why I was teased in grade school?? Was this medical condition the reason why I am the way that I am today (not spiritually speaking, that is)??

My Dad doesn't remember any of this. Maybe this is something my Mother never told him about, though.  He worked a lot when I was younger and so maybe he wasn't even aware of some of the stuff about me. Or, maybe he really just did forget because it's been so many years ago.

So, I would like to know what that medical condition was that I had and I have that right to know. I am grateful that my Aunt told me this because maybe this is an answer to many unanswered questions. So, I started my search to find out what that medical condition was.  Being that it was bad enough to cause me to be given government checks, I emailed the Social Security Office about this, wanting to know whom I may talk to concerning this.  I may in for a long hall.  But, that's fine.  I deserve to know what that medical condition was and the Social Security Office might be able to find out what caused me to get government checks.

Feeling a Bit Bummed Out at the Moment!!

Yes, I've been feeling a bit bummed out for the past few hours, so far, for no important reason.  But, this will pass.  We all get this way.  It's only human. 

Oftentimes, there are reasons why people feel a bit depressed; and sometimes, there are no specific reasons. But, it's the kind of thing where we just can't take a pain pill for.  It's just something that we have to deal with.

Oftentimes, I'll feel normal throughout the day and then just suddenly feel bummed out.  Sometimes the bummed-out feeling lasts a few minutes.  But, more often than not, it lasts for several hours and maybe even the rest of the day and night. Perhaps feeling this way at night could be just because of being tired. Who knows?!  But, it's something that will pass.

I do encourage all of you readers to please read my post regarding depression here:  http://servantofjesusandourlady.blogspot.com/2013/08/depression.html  Perhaps it will help some of you readers, as it is intended to.  It's about my own experiences with the stuff.

God bless you all!!  

HOT AND HUMID!!

As August is winding down, the heat and humidity are cranking up!! I don't like the humidity, but then who does??

But, before we know it, it will be snowing again!!

Most people think that it's God Who causes various weather conditions.  But, that's not always the case. Our government has the ability to control the elements. They have various resources to create earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, etc.  Most people refuse to believe this.  They seem to think that the government is perfect and then question why God would allow such things to happen to us.  God allows it because He has given each and every one of us a free will and he never interferes with our free will. And, in our free will, we sin.  In our free will, we do all kinds of things that offend Almighty God and things that do not please Him.  But, as God Is not a dictator, He allows these things to happen because He respects our free will.

PRAISE GOD AND BLESSED BE GOD FOREVER for all things!!!

Syria and World Peace!!

What has happened to those poor, beloved, people in Syria over the past couple of days, is unthinkable and inhumane!! It's just so absolutely TERRIBLE!! Why would Syrians want to dump chemical weapons ON THEIR OWN PEOPLE who are TOTALLY INNOCENT??!! WHY??

Those poor people!!  Who knows what the survivors will have to endure the rest of their lives because of that !! And, I keep thinking of that poor beautiful little girl, whom The CBS Evening News showed. She kept asking the doctor:  "I'm alive? I'm alive? I'm alive?" . . . only to be told that her parents were killed with this chemical weapon!! And, the images of these poor Syrians keep going through my mind -- the images of them shaking uncontrolably!! How will the doctors be able to help these poor beloved people?? How will they know what kinds of medication to give them to counteract this chemical weapon?? Will some of these people ever stop shaking?? What will happen to them as a result of this??

What about these people who dumped these chemicals on their OWN PEOPLE?? Who will try to catch them and who will charge them with any kind of crime?? They might get away with this HORRIBLE crime on earth.  But, they won't be able to get away with it with God!!

All we can do is pray for them.  And, that's the BEST thing that anyone can do for them, besides the nurses and doctors who are trying to help heal them.

As long as people continue along their sinful lifestyle and ignore The Ten Commandments, these things will continue to happen . . . all around the world.  The U.S. will not be exempt from this stuff, either.

It was either Jesus or Our Lady Who Said, at The Apparition Site of Our Lady of the Roses, Mary Help of Mothers, that "Syria holds the key to peace or to the Third World War." (I'm paraphrasing a little bit) http://www.smwa.org/  However, whatever happens in this world, and whatever happens to us in the Next Life, totally depends on us!! It depends on how much we try to obey The Ten Commandments of Almighty God and how much we, Catholics and Christians, pray the daily Rosary, wear the Brown Scapular, and attend the Sacraments of the Church -- for those Christians who are not Catholic, it would depend on the same as what I just mentioned; but instead of the Sacraments, it would depend on how often they attend services at their own Church denomination.

So, we need to pray -- pray a lot!! Our prayers to Almighty God can lessen such disasters!!



For the repose of the souls of those who died as a result of the chemical weapons in Syria:  Eternal rest grant unto them, O Lord, and let Perpetual Light Shine upon them.  May their souls, and the souls of all the faithful departed, through the Mercy of God, rest in peace. Amen.

Depression!!

My dear reader, you are reading this for a reason and I thank you for doing so!!

I am currently 43 years old and I suffer from depression -- I've suffered it for many years. I'm currently on Zoloft for it. So, I understand what it's like. I understand the deep, deep pain that others don't understand.

There are various reasons why we suffer depression.  It could be as a result of a side effect from medication.  It could be as a result of a broken relationship or watching parents get divorced. It could be a result of the loss of a loved one or a friend.  Someone, very close to you, may have died. It could be a result of health problems or age.  Or it could just be a result of every day life. I am not a psychologist or a psychiatrist.  But, I am someone who cares and I deeply care about YOU, regardless of who you are and what your status in life is. YOU mean a whole lot to me, even though we have never met or even talked.

If you are suffering depression because of the loss of a loved one or friend -- because of someone so close to you dying. I understand what that's like. That is normal.  You are experiencing grief and there is no set time, and no certain way, of overcoming the grief. You just have your own way, and your own pace, of overcoming it.  I understand what it's like because my dear mother was killed in a car accident on January 31st., 1991 right out in front of the house my family and I were living in at that time. She was my best friend at that time, too. All she was doing was letting me out of the driveway to go to my college classes that day. PRAISE GOD that I didn't see or hear the accident!!  I had already left for school and was up the street when it happened. It was for me that she died. Do I blame myself for her death?? No, because I know that it was her time to go and I know that she was going to die at that moment regardless of how. But, I guess when I really think about it, there's a slight sense of guilt because of the accident. I do miss her. I always will.  At that time, I was only 21 and my brothers were 19 and 9.  My mom was either 46 or 47 at that time -- I can't remember which, exactly -- and my dad was (and still is) 2 years older than my mom. So, naturally depression came in that situation!! Immediately after her death, and certainly as a result of it since I was depressed and grieving her death, I ended up getting sick with mono and mono-like symptoms for a total of six months.  The fact that I wasn't feeling well from mono made me even more depressed because depression comes with sickness, too.  So, I ended up taking a leave of absence from the place I was working at at the time.  I never went back to work there.  At the time of  her death, too, I was attending a local University.  In fact, when I walked into one of my classes, there was a note waiting for me to go to the hospital and that's how I found out about my mother's accident. Within a few months, I dropped out of college.

I  am also a full-time caregiver to my best friend, who is also my roommate, and he has a lot of health problems, including dementia -- the beginning of dementia.  I might not be a great caregiver because of my own depression; but, I love him dearly and I love helping him out, while letting him be as independent as possible, as much as I can. I would like to take him to his doctor's appointments and other places.  But, I can't because I don't have a car. So, another really good friend of his takes him to a lot of places that he needs to go. So, that kind of adds to the depression that I can't take him and then, after a couple of hours of them being gone, I start to worry about what is going on. But, I am his caregiver out of charity -- because it's something that I choose to do, want to do, and love to do.

Often times, depression happens as a result of family members not getting along with us. You have heard of the saying "Sticks and stones will break my bones; but words will never hurt me."  Well . . . words DO hurt; and they hurt more than physical pain because with physical pain, you can go to the medicine cabinet and take some Tylenol and within a short time the pain goes away.  But, that's not the case with depression.  Words, especially from family members, HURT at times, whether it's intentional or not. And, then when one talks about that hurt because of a family member, that particular individual feels even more hurt and guilty for talking about it -- even to a stranger -- because they love that family member. I write this from experience. So, I totally understand about all of this.  Often times, on facebook, I'll post a status update telling my facebook 'friends' (98% of them I have never met) that I care about them very deeply and I remind them to be kind to one another because they might be the one to make someone's dark day darker or their dark day brighter -- and especially on facebook  because I am sure a lot of people get on facebook to help them escape from the problems of life and then they get harshly treated, in words, on facebook.  I often times remind my facebook 'friends' to basically be cautious, and compassionate even,  as to what they say when they post something on there to someone because we DON'T know how that individual is being treated at home or how they feel at that moment unless they reveal that to us and, most of the time, that individual doesn't reveal it. I've been through it myself, where I feel very depressed and then post something on facebook and get a lot of negative comments that make me even feel worse.  Yet, no one knows that I feel depressed. When people are hurt deep down inside, I am hurt deep down inside.  I don't like it when people hurt deep down -- the hidden hurt.

Often times, we cover up our hurts with a smile so that no one sees our pain deep down. I understand how depression really hurts.  I understand about crying every day, or more than just once a day, for no reason at all. I go through that often.

I, too, know what it's like to not be able to get out of bed -- or get out of the apartment -- due to depression.  I've experienced that over the past year-and-a-half on several occasions. It's a kind of thing where the get-up-and-go got-up-and-left. Then, there's no energy to clean up the house -- in my case, the apartment. The desire is there, but the energy and will-power is not. I understand about all that. Then people think that we're messy slobs and maybe they don't want to come over to visit because of the mess. But, they don't SEE the hidden hurt -- they don't UNDERSTAND the deep depression!! If they know that there's depression, they don't care. I know what that's like because I go through that myself. For those of you who are reading this, I DO understand YOU and I DO care about YOU!!

I also understand what it feels like to not feel like eating -- that's how I felt after my mother's death and also as a result of mono. But, not eating makes one feel so much worse. It causes some other health issues, including dehydration -- ya have to eat, also, in order to stay hydrated -- and dehydration will make one feel sick, which then makes one feel more depressed. Then, there's also something which I resort to which is called "comfort food". One eats for comfort even though one is not hungry and then this naturally causes weight problems which can lead to other problems and then right back to depression. So, I completely understand about all of this since I've been experiencing this myself.

One thing I have never resorted to is alcohol and drug addiction.  Those are things that no one should resort to because they're not problem-solvers.  They're problem-givers. But, then yet I understand that people might just want to drink their pain away if even just for a short period of time. But, that's not the way. The interior pain is still going to be there.  But, the problems will just become worse because of the drugs and the alcohol and that's not something you want. And then the alcohol just makes one feel more depressed. It may be a short-term escape from the problems of life; but, it's not the answer.  So, please, never get involved with such stuff and, if you already are, please get  help to get yourself out of that mess. I encourage you all to abandon the drugs and the alcohol, if you're already using them to take your interior pain away!! You CAN do it!!

It's okay to experience sadness, grief, and depression, for whatever reason, every now and then.  But, what's not okay is suicide due to that. That's not okay because YOU are too far important to me and to everyone else and you can't let your sadness, grief, and/or depression be victorious over you!! Life is too short and you will never ever get it back!! You need to think about those who know you -- how will this effect them should you take your own life?? How this will effect them will be permanent!! Do you really want them to suffer because of this?? How do you think they will feel?? Do you even care about how they would feel?? Do you even care about how I would feel?? Suicide is never ever the answer!! So, if this is something you are considering, please, for those who love you and, for me, too, get help!!

No matter who you are and what you have done in life, and no matter what you do in life now, I really and truly care about YOU!! YOU are special to me, although we have never even corresponded, let alone met. If you would like to send me a personal email and 'chat' about anything, please always feel free to do so!!  Here is my email address:  SacredHeartOfJesus@bex.net  Like I mentioned, I am not a psychologist, psychiatrist, or even a counselor.  But, I am someone who cares about YOU!! I pray for you and God loves YOU!!

God bless you always!!!