Depression!!

My dear reader, you are reading this for a reason and I thank you for doing so!!

I am currently 43 years old and I suffer from depression -- I've suffered it for many years. I'm currently on Zoloft for it. So, I understand what it's like. I understand the deep, deep pain that others don't understand.

There are various reasons why we suffer depression.  It could be as a result of a side effect from medication.  It could be as a result of a broken relationship or watching parents get divorced. It could be a result of the loss of a loved one or a friend.  Someone, very close to you, may have died. It could be a result of health problems or age.  Or it could just be a result of every day life. I am not a psychologist or a psychiatrist.  But, I am someone who cares and I deeply care about YOU, regardless of who you are and what your status in life is. YOU mean a whole lot to me, even though we have never met or even talked.

If you are suffering depression because of the loss of a loved one or friend -- because of someone so close to you dying. I understand what that's like. That is normal.  You are experiencing grief and there is no set time, and no certain way, of overcoming the grief. You just have your own way, and your own pace, of overcoming it.  I understand what it's like because my dear mother was killed in a car accident on January 31st., 1991 right out in front of the house my family and I were living in at that time. She was my best friend at that time, too. All she was doing was letting me out of the driveway to go to my college classes that day. PRAISE GOD that I didn't see or hear the accident!!  I had already left for school and was up the street when it happened. It was for me that she died. Do I blame myself for her death?? No, because I know that it was her time to go and I know that she was going to die at that moment regardless of how. But, I guess when I really think about it, there's a slight sense of guilt because of the accident. I do miss her. I always will.  At that time, I was only 21 and my brothers were 19 and 9.  My mom was either 46 or 47 at that time -- I can't remember which, exactly -- and my dad was (and still is) 2 years older than my mom. So, naturally depression came in that situation!! Immediately after her death, and certainly as a result of it since I was depressed and grieving her death, I ended up getting sick with mono and mono-like symptoms for a total of six months.  The fact that I wasn't feeling well from mono made me even more depressed because depression comes with sickness, too.  So, I ended up taking a leave of absence from the place I was working at at the time.  I never went back to work there.  At the time of  her death, too, I was attending a local University.  In fact, when I walked into one of my classes, there was a note waiting for me to go to the hospital and that's how I found out about my mother's accident. Within a few months, I dropped out of college.

I  am also a full-time caregiver to my best friend, who is also my roommate, and he has a lot of health problems, including dementia -- the beginning of dementia.  I might not be a great caregiver because of my own depression; but, I love him dearly and I love helping him out, while letting him be as independent as possible, as much as I can. I would like to take him to his doctor's appointments and other places.  But, I can't because I don't have a car. So, another really good friend of his takes him to a lot of places that he needs to go. So, that kind of adds to the depression that I can't take him and then, after a couple of hours of them being gone, I start to worry about what is going on. But, I am his caregiver out of charity -- because it's something that I choose to do, want to do, and love to do.

Often times, depression happens as a result of family members not getting along with us. You have heard of the saying "Sticks and stones will break my bones; but words will never hurt me."  Well . . . words DO hurt; and they hurt more than physical pain because with physical pain, you can go to the medicine cabinet and take some Tylenol and within a short time the pain goes away.  But, that's not the case with depression.  Words, especially from family members, HURT at times, whether it's intentional or not. And, then when one talks about that hurt because of a family member, that particular individual feels even more hurt and guilty for talking about it -- even to a stranger -- because they love that family member. I write this from experience. So, I totally understand about all of this.  Often times, on facebook, I'll post a status update telling my facebook 'friends' (98% of them I have never met) that I care about them very deeply and I remind them to be kind to one another because they might be the one to make someone's dark day darker or their dark day brighter -- and especially on facebook  because I am sure a lot of people get on facebook to help them escape from the problems of life and then they get harshly treated, in words, on facebook.  I often times remind my facebook 'friends' to basically be cautious, and compassionate even,  as to what they say when they post something on there to someone because we DON'T know how that individual is being treated at home or how they feel at that moment unless they reveal that to us and, most of the time, that individual doesn't reveal it. I've been through it myself, where I feel very depressed and then post something on facebook and get a lot of negative comments that make me even feel worse.  Yet, no one knows that I feel depressed. When people are hurt deep down inside, I am hurt deep down inside.  I don't like it when people hurt deep down -- the hidden hurt.

Often times, we cover up our hurts with a smile so that no one sees our pain deep down. I understand how depression really hurts.  I understand about crying every day, or more than just once a day, for no reason at all. I go through that often.

I, too, know what it's like to not be able to get out of bed -- or get out of the apartment -- due to depression.  I've experienced that over the past year-and-a-half on several occasions. It's a kind of thing where the get-up-and-go got-up-and-left. Then, there's no energy to clean up the house -- in my case, the apartment. The desire is there, but the energy and will-power is not. I understand about all that. Then people think that we're messy slobs and maybe they don't want to come over to visit because of the mess. But, they don't SEE the hidden hurt -- they don't UNDERSTAND the deep depression!! If they know that there's depression, they don't care. I know what that's like because I go through that myself. For those of you who are reading this, I DO understand YOU and I DO care about YOU!!

I also understand what it feels like to not feel like eating -- that's how I felt after my mother's death and also as a result of mono. But, not eating makes one feel so much worse. It causes some other health issues, including dehydration -- ya have to eat, also, in order to stay hydrated -- and dehydration will make one feel sick, which then makes one feel more depressed. Then, there's also something which I resort to which is called "comfort food". One eats for comfort even though one is not hungry and then this naturally causes weight problems which can lead to other problems and then right back to depression. So, I completely understand about all of this since I've been experiencing this myself.

One thing I have never resorted to is alcohol and drug addiction.  Those are things that no one should resort to because they're not problem-solvers.  They're problem-givers. But, then yet I understand that people might just want to drink their pain away if even just for a short period of time. But, that's not the way. The interior pain is still going to be there.  But, the problems will just become worse because of the drugs and the alcohol and that's not something you want. And then the alcohol just makes one feel more depressed. It may be a short-term escape from the problems of life; but, it's not the answer.  So, please, never get involved with such stuff and, if you already are, please get  help to get yourself out of that mess. I encourage you all to abandon the drugs and the alcohol, if you're already using them to take your interior pain away!! You CAN do it!!

It's okay to experience sadness, grief, and depression, for whatever reason, every now and then.  But, what's not okay is suicide due to that. That's not okay because YOU are too far important to me and to everyone else and you can't let your sadness, grief, and/or depression be victorious over you!! Life is too short and you will never ever get it back!! You need to think about those who know you -- how will this effect them should you take your own life?? How this will effect them will be permanent!! Do you really want them to suffer because of this?? How do you think they will feel?? Do you even care about how they would feel?? Do you even care about how I would feel?? Suicide is never ever the answer!! So, if this is something you are considering, please, for those who love you and, for me, too, get help!!

No matter who you are and what you have done in life, and no matter what you do in life now, I really and truly care about YOU!! YOU are special to me, although we have never even corresponded, let alone met. If you would like to send me a personal email and 'chat' about anything, please always feel free to do so!!  Here is my email address:  SacredHeartOfJesus@bex.net  Like I mentioned, I am not a psychologist, psychiatrist, or even a counselor.  But, I am someone who cares about YOU!! I pray for you and God loves YOU!!

God bless you always!!!